Finding my center…indulging in some Emi
Hello Tumblr or whomever,
I haven’t done one of these personal jawns in a min, got caught up posting pics of beautiful black women and men and vibey ass tunes. My b. Anyway…I would like to re-introduce myself my name is Em (whattt)…E to the M..I. Ha. Im corny.
So the other day I was going through my archived posts and I was like damn. My tumblr used to feel like MY tumblr. So I decided to go back to my roots. A sexy ass combination of my goon and gifted sides. A young queen found her center again. *Emi smirk*.
This will be the beginning of me letting some me out I suppose. I’ve recently gone through a lot of things. Lost my best friend, lost a position I wanted, was sick as a dog, ended a relationship with someone I really like..etc…the struggle was in full force and sadly I lost my words. They were stuck somewhere down deep in fuck it land and I didnt even know how to resurrect them. I was so low without even realizing it but fully feeling it. This is prob one of the reasons my relationship *situationship* whatever it was ended…because I know wholeheartedly I didn’t care all the way. I was trying so hard not to fall into my sadness, if you’ve ever been there you know what I mean, that I was giving only to please for the most part. But not fully giving. Anyone would feel like they were getting the short end of the stick. And the cray thing was that thats not me. I never felt like myself all the way. I am the most emotionally giving person I know and I just fell short. In all honesty though there was nothing I could really do about it.
Anyway so that ended…I was pissed. My ego flaired up. Started to search for a distraction. Almost got myself caught up. I never faced myself. I was having nightmares about my friend. Scared about my future. I thought I was crazy. Then one day, when I finally figured out what was wrong with me (sickness wise)…I sat in my bed and cried. I cried hard. Harder than I’ve cried in a long time. Hoping my tears would purge my system I cried about everything that had broken my spirit. After the crying I prayed. It wasnt like my usual prayers it was weak, limp. I just said God…you got it.
After that I started on this new journey to peace. I believe in maintaining your peace by any means necessary so I ran after mine. I also needed to find my words. I paid my lib fine lol. And checked out a fuck ton of books hoping I would stumble upon something that would be the be the catalyst. I found something and it helped me immensely.(I wont go into to it all). But just know that sometimes people know how to say what you cannot.
….Ok Ill sum up this long story that I almost wrote on here. I understand this is Tumblr people are used to a pic or a quote. Attention spans wane.
Life is beautiful. God is good. Think about how blessed we are to be born humans. Out of all beings in the universe we, you and I, were born human. What a privilege. I refuse to sit here and sulk about tough times like I haven’t faced them before. Like people haven’t died for me to be here. So Im not gonna do that. I am choosing to live with my heart open no matter what and that brings me so much peace. YOLO! Plus… I aint going to the grave no sucker.
I think I’m done, kind of got tired of writing towards the end. Remember life is so amazing, cherish it, even when it decides to bust back at you.
Sending love,
Emm_hotep
